Above all else, the Enabler is loyal and patient. Regardless of the type or severity of abuse they will stay by the side of the one they are enabling, supporting and enabling their unhealthy decisions and actions.
Knowing the traits and patterns of the most common abuser types can help you avoid abuser behavior before it starts. Alternatively, it may aid you in deciding whether a certain person in your life is indeed showing abusive tendencies, and how to handle the situation. Though it would be impossible to illustrate the exact personality traits of each and every abuser, there are certain abuser profiles that are more commonly seen than others.
There are 13 abuser profile types:
- The Drama King/Queen
- The Player
- The Cuddler
- The Jailer
- The Tough One
- The Gardener
- The Gatekeeper
- The Enabler
- The Rescuer
- La Machita
- The Obsessor
- The Brat
- The Addict
Let us introduce the eighth type.
The Enabler Type
How they feel
No matter how much you abuse me, no matter how mean you are, regardless of how you try to make me angry, I am loyal, patient, and will stay by your side. Whether or not you use drugs or drink is not the point- I find a way to get what you need. I want you to believe that I will die without you. I feed your emotional needs and cultivate your abuse by pretending to be the victim.
Passive, conciliatory, patient, optimistic, loyal and devoted, compassionate, long-term planner, self-contradictory, calm under all conditions, never looking for a better partner, under-reactive, instigates emotion in others, sabotages, acts like the victim, passively activates/triggers anger, creates opportunities for conflict, escalates little issues into crisis, quickly forgives being abused, and accepts blame for the partner.
The Enabler will try to show that they are what keeps the family or relationship stable. They will not react emotionally at all, they will stay calm and fix whatever damage the other person has done. This type will allow all sorts of abuse to be done to them and will never give up on their partner. Even a healthy, normal person would become somewhat abusive in a relationship with an enabler. It does not matter what someone does, this type will allow it. They let themselves be taken advantage of over and over, in the guise that they are just being a good partner.
It is unlikely that this type will ever show anger towards their partner and this will force the partner to do worse and worse in order to get some sort of reaction from them. Because the Enabler is so difficult to upset, the partner becomes angrier over time. The Enabler will insist that their union is more important than any issue that may come up so they just allow it all to happen and don’t react, cleaning up whatever mess the partner makes.
This type will not want to admit that the relationship is not working. They will instead come up with a million and one excuses as to why something may be amiss and insist that if those things were fixed, then everything would be perfect. Perhaps it is the money situation or the living environment or the drinking or kids or whatever else they can come up with to excuse the issues in the relationship.
The partner can yell and scream and throw things and punch holes in the walls and still the Enabler will stay calm and tell them everything is okay. They imagine that they are saving their union and that nothing could tear them apart. This type will remain and endure despite any hardship that is put upon them and the relationship, no matter how unhealthy it may be.
The Enabler is likely to feel proud of how much hurt they absorb from their partner and may even show off to their friends, making light of it and insisting that everything will be just fine. They want to show everyone how much of a good partner they are and that their love is true.
If the authorities come to the home, the Enabler will protect their abusive partner and lie about whatever wounds they have. They feel that somehow the outbursts are their fault. Maybe the partner does not realize how much they love them? If they can just show their partner how much they matter to them, by being supportive no matter what, then things would go back to how they were when the relationship started.
For further information and to find out ways that you can possibly remedy or downgrade some of this behavior, what their motivation is, as well as what kind of partner this type typically seeks out or avoids, please look into downloading our free E-book of the abuser types.
When in the midst of an abusive situation, it may be difficult to think clearly and come up with a solution to remedy the abuse, while trying to implement it may feel almost impossible. However, given the right tools and the will power to create change, it most certainly is possible, even more so– it is probable. Many may feel overwhelmed and may not know where to start, but it is important to start somewhere.
Please continue to check in with us each week for a new post about abusive behavior and how it can affect your life and the lives of those around you. There is always that first action to helping someone you care about. Let this be it!
Note – This personality may apply to males and females in heterosexual relationships or the subordinate role in gay or lesbian relationships. The dominant role, the “codependent,” may be male or female.