The Gatekeeper wants to be relied on and wants to be seen as wise and capable. They believe they are what their victim needs in order for the victim to gain their full potential. Like the Gardener, the Gatekeeper wants to cultivate young minds, though in this case, it is usually in a professional capacity.
Knowing the traits and patterns of the most common abuser types can help you avoid abuser behavior before it starts. Alternatively, it may aid you in deciding whether a certain person in your life is indeed showing abusive tendencies, and how to handle the situation. Though it would be impossible to illustrate the exact personality traits of each and every abuser, there are certain abuser profiles that are more commonly seen than others.
There are 13 abuser profile types:
- The Drama King/Queen
- The Player
- The Cuddler
- The Jailer
- The Tough One
- The Gardener
- The Gatekeeper
- The Enabler
- The Rescuer
- La Machita
- The Obsessor
- The Brat
- The Addict
Let us introduce the seventh type.
The Gatekeeper Type
How they feel:
I am older and wiser. I know what is best for you. I just want to take care of you. Depend on me. Trust me. I am your closest friend and I know more about your great potential than anyone else. Your success and fame is not possible without my help. I believe in you - so you need to believe in me.
Impatient, observant, manipulative, throws tantrums, controlling, long-term planner, impervious to criticism, thinks is smarter than everyone, suspicious, demanding, loyal to their own needs, proud and powerful, artistic and creative, mature and charming, feels indispensable, narcissistic, and often alternates between indifferent and vicious/vengeful.
The Gatekeeper can be anyone in their victim’s life, but usually chooses their victims in the ages between 4 and 35, and will be anything from 10 to 40 years older than them. They prefer to be someone that can give wisdom and guidance to their victim such as a teacher or a work superior, though they may be just a family friend. This person wants to show their victims that they can be the support that they have been missing. The Gatekeeper will do whatever they can to get their victim to become co-dependent on them, using their experience as a way to influence their victim’s trust.
This type enjoys cultivating an “us against the world” stance and having their victim believe that they can be everything to them. The victim no longer has to worry about anything in their life as the Gatekeeper will protect them and make sure that whatever the victim is afraid of will be taken care of. They will become necessary to the victim and the victim will start to believe they are lucky to have found this person.
There is a great deal of pseudo confidence projected from the Gatekeeper. They come across as powerful individuals and many cannot help but be drawn to them. The more they are around their victim, the more the attraction grows. Despite the circumstances usually being inappropriate somehow, the Gatekeeper fosters a belief that it is only natural and that love cannot be stopped.
Eventually no one will be allowed into their victim’s life without the Gatekeeper’s permission. Under the guise of “keeping them safe”, the abuser will start to dictate who may or may not be socialized with. This person will insist that they are older and wiser and that their advice is all the victim needs. The victim can just let the Gatekeeper handle all of it, not to worry about a thing… just do whatever they say and everything will be fine.
Love was not something that the Gatekeeper had much of either, at least that is what they will say to their victim. They will insist that this is the only time it has every happened, that they are the only one that has ever made them feel the way they do. The abuser will make the victim believe that as long as they stay with them, their needs will be provided for. All they have to do is love them and listen to everything they say. No disobedience will be tolerated. As long as all is well, the Gatekeeper will look after their victim. Clothes will be purchased so that the victim will look exactly as wanted by the abuser, while they insist that it is for their own good as they have experience and wisdom that the victim doesn’t, and this will get the victim what THEY want in the end. The abuser will tell the victim exactly how they should behave. The Gatekeeper has MADE their victim who they are and without them, the victim is worthless. No effort is spared in this; advice, attention, and money are of no object, as long as the victim is made dependent on them in the end.
The Gatekeeper likes to believe that their victim needs someone stronger and more capable than them to take care of things. The only way that the victim can be safe is with them. Everyone else is out to harm them and they must stay with the Gatekeeper or they will only be hurting themselves. Talking to others without their permission is just plain stupid in the eyes of the abuser and the victim must run all of their actions by the Gatekeeper. The people that the victim is talking to might actually show the victim that they are being abused and manipulated, and the Gatekeeper does not want to risk that happening so they hide their victim away. The longer the victim is with the abuser, the more they are blinded to their manipulation.
After a while, the abuser will try to take the victim away from their hometown or familiar surroundings and concoct a new story for them to tell other people in a new town far away. Name changes may be typical as well. If the victim does not agree, they may be further manipulated or even drugged, until they comply. The abuser may actually believe their own lies, they may believe that they are doing this for the good of the person they love and giving them everything they’ve always wanted. Violence may be used to keep their victim inline. Again, this is said to be done out of “love and protection”.
The Gatekeeper will make their victim so dependent on them that they would not be able to function without them. They will make them feel that they cannot hold a job without the abuser or that they will starve somehow, that they have no one else to count on, that they were never loved by anyone else, and that eventually they will see the wisdom and regret leaving and beg them to be together once more. The abuser is so convincing that the victim sticks around because they are too scared that the abuser may be right.
For further information and to find out ways that you can possibly remedy or downgrade some of this behavior, what their motivation is, as well as what kind of partner this type typically seeks out or avoids, please look into downloading our free E-book of the abuser types:
When in the midst of an abusive situation, it may be difficult to think clearly and come up with a solution to remedy the abuse, while trying to implement it may feel almost impossible. However, given the right tools and the will power to create change, it most certainly is possible, even more so– it is probable. Many may feel overwhelmed and may not know where to start, but it is important to start somewhere.
Please continue to check in with us each week for a new post about abusive behavior and how it can affect your life and the lives of those around you. There is always that first action to helping someone you care about. Let this be it!
Note – This personality type may apply to males or the dominant role in gay or lesbian relationships.